You sent him off to a war zone; you stood by his side and supported him from the time he left until now. You have lost nights of sleep; you’ve prayed, worried, and cried. You counted down with your children, kept track of each passing day. All of the ups and down, trials and tribulations, joys and pain have led to this singular, spectacular moment. You have waited for months and months for this moment. You have waited so long that you have to pinch yourself to make sure that you are not dreaming, that this day, this moment has finally arrived. The moment when you wrap yourself around your loved one, inhale his scent, and greet him with a kiss. The moment when the first soldiers walk through the door of the terminal to the waiting crowd. You watch as their faces light up when they hear the applause, see the banners and the welcome home posters, and the American flags lining the walkway. You are so excited that you can scarcely keep still. You bounce on your toes, patiently scanning each soldier’s face, hoping that the next one you see is your’s to claim.
Than you see him, and time stands still. All of the weight and the worry and the fears crash to the floor, freeing you to run. And you do, laughing like a school child on a snow day. You can scarcely believe in the reality of the moment; so, you hold tight to him and refuse to let go. You don’t want anyone else to claim him, to take him away from you. Only when you have stopped shaking, your tears stop flowing, your heart stops pounding, only than, you can let go long enough for him to say his good-byes and get his luggage. You can breathe and know that this time, he really is coming home, and it is not a wistful longing or another phantom dream.
You have planned every detail of Homecoming, from the dress you will wear, to what he will eat for his first meal, to when and where you will have a Welcome Home party. There is no grander celebration than that of celebrating the return of a soldier to his family. But after the glitter, the glamour, and the noisy celebrations have faded into the background, you notice that there is something dark and amiss that the celebrations have covered.
As weeks turn to months, you begin to notice it more. Life after the Homecoming party is not what you expected. You feel like you are walking on eggshells; he feels like you are being too demanding. He seems distant, preoccupied, not all together there. And as time passes, you begin to feel frustrated, hurt, confused, and then you begin to feel resentful and almost bitter. You have so much to share; he missed so much, has so much to catch up! His family has grown and changed while he was away, and now that he is here, he doesn’t seem interested. You begin to doubt yourself; you wonder if it is you and you feed into your fears. Is he not attracted to you? Did he meet someone else? If not, than why? Why the silence, the distance, the withdraw?
The simple truth is the reason for his behavior lies not with you, but has everything to do with deployment. He is coming from a long tour, and though he may be physically sound, he may also be wounded. He has seen, experienced, and lived life in a combat zone, and what he has experienced there would probably shake you to the core and shred every nerve you have. He cannot discuss his experiences; even if there wasn’t a security risk, he couldn’t verbalize it if he tried. There are no words yet invented to describe the realities of war in a way that civilians can truly understand. So, he copes in the best manner he can; sometimes, he may be angry, lashing at the trivial. Other times, he may withdraw, into a computer game, working out, or a worse vice. This behavior is not a question or a statement of his loyalty and love to you, his spouse and family; this behavior is a coping mechanism, a testament to your soldier’s humanity and incredible bravery.
And yes, it does hurts, this distance. It is a source of both conflict and conflicting emotions. It is enough to crash a relatively stable and healthy relationship. It can cause loving relationships to break, shattered by the aftermath of deployment. But, there are remedies and solutions so that it doesn’t hurt so bad. There are preventative measures that can be taken. So that when it hits, you can prepared and ready and armed with knowledge. So that you can know that this, too, will pass. This is the ugly, transitional period of reintegration; if you can hold onto to hope, you can come out on the other side, stronger, with your relationship intact.
The best remedy I can suggest is to pray first and be patient second. Don’t push your spouse too hard; try not to place too many demands on him at once. He needs time and space to work back into the role he had prior to deployment. He has to adjust to the multiple demands being a father, a husband, and a service member require. He is not the same person as he was when he left, and neither are you. Reintegration doesn’t have to be a source of conflict; it can be a period of loving renewal. Think of reintegration like dating, when you were both acquainting yourselves and your habits to one another.
Time seems to heal some of these invisible wounds, and your soldier needs as much support, if not more, during reintegration than was needed during deployment. I highly suggest that military spouses and families learn about the signs and symptoms of PTSD before Homecoming is even a thought. There are resources available, for the soldier and the family, should PTSD present itself. PTSD can onset anywhere from one to six months after a soldier returns home. The best gift you can bestow upon yourself as a military spouse is the gift of knowledge.
For all of their training, our troops do not come equipped with an off-button. Even though are happily home, returning soldiers cannot just jump into the roles they left behind. They need time to process their experiences, make sense of what they endured, and re-work it to fit their being home. Knowledge and knowing what to expect can help you cope with the challenges and changes you experience during reintegration.
Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress, be merciful to me and hear my prayers.
*If you or someone you know either feels , expresses, or threatens to act on the need to inflict bodily harm upon himself/herself or others, seek immediate medical help and call 911 for assistance. Do not delay! Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength!*****
Resources:
PTSD:
http://operationwearehere.com/PTSD.html
http://ptsd.factsforhealth.org/have/ptsd.aspx
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/ptsd_search.asp?QT=&RPP=20&SECT=1&go.x=27&go.y=13
www.militaryonesource.com - Call and they can direct you to certified counselors
Reintegration:
http://www.afcrossroads.com/famseparation/reintegrate_resources.cfm
http://www.reintegration.com/resources/
http://www.per.hqusareur.army.mil/content/Programs/Reintegration/index.html
http://ptsdcombat.blogspot.com/2007/01/need-transition-help-free-resources.html
