Category Archives: The Real Deal

Touches on challenges and joys experienced by military spouses and their families.

Of Iron and Irony

  By Silentranksisterhood | March 25, 2012 - 2:34 am | Deployment, The Real Deal
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If you have been following this blog, you will no doubt have noticed that I have been missing for the past month.  I am happy to share with you why! After two years of hard work and personal sacrifice, I have finally been able to take the steps to move Silent Rank Sisterhood from an informal grass-roots organization to a fully incorporated, state-registered non-profit! This was a necessary and critical step, because in order to sustain the organization and develop the initiatives and the projects, it now needs greater resources and funding than what my family can provide. So if you are looking for a charity to support that has a direct impact on our military community, I hope you will consider supporting Silent Rank Sisterhood.

As you ponder that thought,  I feel that it is time that I share with you the story of how Silent Rank Sisterhood came to be.  I have never shared this before, but I think the time is right. The reason I have not spoken of it prior to today is because I tend to shy away from such personal stories.  The issues and the challenges with which I grapple are emotionally charged, painful, and raw.  But, that is the reality of being a military spouse, and my experiences shape everything that Silent Rank Sisterhood offers and is. It will help explain why I am so passionate about the work I do, and why I am driven to make this succeed, not for my benefit or gain, but for the benefit of service members, military spouses, and their loved ones, who are in similar circumstances.

My husband deployed for his first tour in 2007, and  my first experience with deployment was tramautizing, for my daughter and myself. During our first deployment, my heart broke  as I watched the impact deployment had on my daughter.  Nothing is worse than watching your child suffer, knowing you are helpless to change the circumstance. She suffered from anxiety, depression, night terrors, and even hair loss. What I learned is that these are common reactions that  a lot of  military children experience when a parent deploys.  Working with a team of professionals, we developed a coping strategy, which included providing distractions, short-term milestones and rewards, and setting future goals to celebrate.  I was told to de-emphasize deployment and to divert her focus and attention elsewhere.  I learned  that children  are often able to process situations and feel emotions at a higher stage of development than they can adequately express.  The gap in the development of  communication skills can cause frustrations, which can lead to changes in behavior and mood.  Fortunately, these changes are temporary and cyclical, phasing out as a child adjusts to the new normal.

As I was tending to my daughter, I was unaware that I myself was at risk.  One night, in the middle of my husband’s first tour, I found myself sitting in the emergency room.  I thought I had walking pneumonia; I learned that I  did not have pneumonia at all.  The doctors told me that I was under so much stress, my muscles had become like a too tightly wound spring.  When the tension was finally released, I had a muscle spasm in my upper chest wall.  That was what accounted for the painful breathing and the sensation of bricks sitting on my chest. The fear of becoming more ill, with no close family to help or to tend to my child,  was enough to motivate me to focus on my well-being, as well that of my daughter. I recovered, and we got through the rest of our first deployment, but not without  emotional scars.

Silent Rank Sisterhood story begins in 2009, with my husband’s second deployment.  For the second time, right at the onset of deployment, I found myself facing an incredibly difficult and different set of circumstances caused directly by deployment.  I found myself alone, once again managing and coping with a set of challenges that had the potential to break me.  Knowing what I had to manage, knowing I had a child who needed me, knowing I had no help and no support,  I knew then and there that I had to make a choice. For the duration of the deployment, either I could be defined by my circumstances or I could define the situation. I chose the latter, and I made a decision to use my negative experiences to help other struggling military families.  By partnering with a local church, I held my very first event, a Sweethearts Apart Valentine’s Dinner, to benefit deployed families.   That was the first of several activities and venues, to benefit the local military population.  Those seeds of kindness, compassion, community support, and partnership blossomed into Silent Rank Sisterhood.

While partnering with the church to create local events, I also began my broader outreach.  I started with one small facebook page, which immediately connected me to other military spouses.  I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and I was proven correct. I have been contacted by members of the military community from every corner of our country, including Alaska, as well as from abroad, including Germany and Japan. My communications have shown me that there are certain themes common to military families, yet service members and  military families  believe that these experiences are isolated occurrences, unique to personal circumstances.

The Common Themes that are the most important are as follows:

  • Military Spouses/Extended Family/Significant Others often feel alone, isolated, overwhelmed and abandoned during a loved ones deployment
  • Military families do not have access to the resources and support they need
  •  Assumptions exist that the network of support is already established and that numerous resources and programs can be easily accessed
  • The Deployment Cycle requires support, before, during, and after each stage
  • Depression, anxiety, and insomnia are frequent, normal reactions to deployment
  • Children often experience changes in mood and behaviors, as a reaction to deployment.  Such changes tend to be cyclical, but for changes lasting more than three weeks,  professional medical assistance should be sought.
  •  Neither the Reintegration Phase nor PTSD is well understood by service members or their families
  • PTSD, left untreated, wreaks havoc in relationships
  • Challenges due to PCS include a lack of community, a lack of belonging, career displacement, and lost employment and educational opportunities
  • There is a disconnect between the military community and the public
  • Those who want to support the military have difficulty connecting with the local military population and vice versa

The fact that these are common themes illustrates the need and the importance of Silent Rank Sisterhood. In 2010, when we PCSd to our new home, shortly after my husband’s safe return from his second tour, I carried the work and the initiatives with me. I decided that if I can make a difference and help improve the circumstances of one even one suffering military family, then my efforts and the endeavors of Silent Rank Sisterhood are not in vain.  The very fact that the number of military families who attend the events that Silent Rank Sisterhood offers increases with each venue is proof that this support is both needed and necessary.   And, that is why I am so proud to finally have been able to take the leap to incorporate! It has been a long, personal journey, and I am very proud of what Silent Rank Sisterhood has become.

Today, Silent Rank Sisterhood now has two military support facebook pages, each for a defined purpose, this website, and social media. It has multiple community outreach programs, engages in advocacy and awareness, provides business opportunities for military members, military spouses, and supports small businesses who are military-friendly.  It supports and engages with the community, partnering with organizations, and providing volunteer opportunities, while mentoring youth.  And, we continue our  service projects, which are also growing! When I think about the journey, it is amazing that all of this has happened in a two-year period!

As I write this, I am staring down the barrel of a third deployment.  I know that this deployment will bring its own set of challenges and difficulties. But, just as iron must be smelted before it can become steel, I expect that, although I may be burned, something lasting and useful will come from the process. I don’t always know where this journey will lead or what will grow from the ashes of my life, but I am convinced it will be positive and fruitful, even if it is not without pain.

I hope you visit again! And, even if you choose not to support Silent Rank Sisterhood, I ask that you do support our military members and their families.  It is always okay to disagree with policies, politics, and war, but the soldier who chooses to serve his country and the loved ones who wait for him or her should always have our nation’s support.

Thank you! And, May Gob Bless and Keep our Country, Our Military, and their Families

~ Ms. Kirsten O’Neill

Founder and CEO of Silent Rank Sisterhood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His Point of View: What I Need During Deployment

  By Silentranksisterhood | December 20, 2011 - 4:36 am | As Told: Tales to Encourage, Deployment, The Real Deal
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This post is a very special one.  It was written for me, by own beloved husband.  I am often asked by friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and facebook fans, “What should I send in a care package?”  And, in answer, I have shared and posted my ideas, based on what I or others have sent.  But, I asked my husband, more than once, for his point of view.  I wanted to know, from his perspective, as the one who is deployed, what items are helpful.

When he gave me his initial response, I admit that I was crushed and heartbroken.  I spend many hours carefully choosing and creating his care packages.  It is my source of joy and happiness while he is deployed.  Sending him items, goodies, games, and whatever else I think he needs, enjoys, or  finds helpful is a way that allows me to feel connected to him.  It is a concrete way that I can send him my support and my love.

But, before you read his post- I want to go back and re-read the first two paragraphs.  Do you notice a pattern?  I do, and it is in the form of I, and Me, and My, and Mine.  So, because I understand that guys and gals are hardwired differently, I understand that what nurtures my emotions, feelings, and needs is not going to be the same or any where similar to what feeds his emotions, feelings, and needs.  And, as I read his post, I learned that his feelings are not about me at all.  He is neither rejecting MY form of support, nor  is he  saying that he doesn’t appreciate it. What he is expressing are his stark feelings and his honest point of view. For that alone, for his willingness to open up and share his thoughts and feelings with me, and with you, I am grateful.

And, I will share with you that I am so blessed and so thankful that he is mine.  I am so proud of my husband, and his service to our country! So, without further ado, a Service Member, my husband, answers the question:

 

What Do I Need During Deployment?

It’s not easy to put into words what a military deployment overseas is like for the military member. Usually, it is a long visit into a combat zone. For me, it has been. Twice. And, my third one will surely be into another combat zone. This time, Afghanistan will replace Iraq on my visitation list of places where I will go and want to depart from as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, the earliest that I can depart is six months. I try to put this into perspective. I look at my Army counterparts and realize that I could be in this place for a year or more. I realize that even though I need to worry about being mortared and the occasional insurgent missile being fired at the base, I can take comfort that my job keeps me on base. I am not at risk of being in the middle of a sudden firefight or at the mercy of planted road IED’s while my convoy rolls past. It could always be worse, and I thank the Lord for the graces that He imparts to me.

All the same, while I am deployed I miss my family. I miss my wife and my daughter. I miss being home. I miss almost everything familiar about home. I find myself counting the days. When we arrive in the deployed location, someone (usually a colonel) will tell our group of newly arrived personnel, “Don’t count the days, make the days count.” In other words, you’re to do your duty, give it your maximum effort, and make things better for those around you. Easier said than done, sir/ma’am. I am in a place where I really don’t want to be. I will do my best to make the days count, but at very best I will make them count while I continue to count them. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

My wife asked me not long ago what she can send me to make things a little easier while I am there. What do I need during my deployment? She has asked me this before. She is generous and thoughtful that way and always looks for a way to make things easier for me. I love her for that and so much more. Because I know her good intentions, I have tried to give her some material answer that will give her something that she can work with, a type of candy that I enjoy, or a  band that I enjoy listening to if they release a new CD.

But when she asked me that last time, I felt a surge of honesty begin to rise from me that I couldn’t suppress. “Nothing,” I replied. “Nothing helps. Nothing that can be sent in a box that makes things better. It’s miserable over there. Anything that comes from home will not help me forget where I am and how much I don’t want to be there.” I am a member of the United States Armed Forces. I do my duty, I complete the mission, and I am proud to do it in the service of my country. But that doesn’t make it any easier. To be blunt, I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to like being deployed.

Since this conversation, I have reflected on this question and the paradox that it represents to me. Then I realized, there is something that I need during deployment. I need to know that my little family: my wife and daughter, are taken care of. I need to know that their needs will be met when I am not around to help meet them. I need to know that our extended family and friends will rally around them and help them feel better, that they will help to fill the void that I create when I leave. I know that it is hurtful to them when I go. I know that they have to deal with the pain of my absence, and carry the slack that I leave them with after I have deployed. I need to know that my girls are taken care of when I cannot do it myself. For that, what I need is for the family and friends that we depend on for support to be there for them, whenever and however they are needed. To reach out to them, ask them what they need, and let them know that they are there for them. However, whenever, and where-ever they are needed.

That will give me peace of mind. That will make things easier while I am over there. That is what I need during deployment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Perfect Model

  By Silentranksisterhood | November 21, 2011 - 4:34 am | As Told: Tales to Encourage, The Real Deal
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I had to share to this one.  Found, on facebook.  From Faith Deployed, Posted by Donna!  Thank you for sharing this!

The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of
overtime when an angel appeared. She said, “Lord, you seem to be having a
lot of trouble with this one. What’s the matter with the standard model?”
The Lord replied, “Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be
completely independent, posses the qualities of both father and mother, be a
perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour’s notice, run on black coffee,
handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on
cheerfully, ever if she’s pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to
move 10 times in 17 years. And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head. “Six pairs of hands? No way!” The Lord
continued, “Don’t worry, we shall make other military wives to help her.
And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in
her husband’s achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when
it’s over-worked and tired, and be large enough to say ‘I understand,’ when she
does not, and say ‘I love you,’ regardless.”

The angel circled the model of the military wife, looked at it closely and
sighed, “It looks fine, but it’s too soft.” “She might look
soft,” replied the Lord, “but she has the strength of a lion. You
would not believe what she can endure.”

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord’s
creation. “There’s a leak,” she announced. “Something is wrong
with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying
to put too much into this model.”

The Lord appeared offended at the angel’s lack of confidence. What you see is
not a leak,” he said. “It’s a tear.” “A tear? What is it
there for?” asked the angel. The Lord replied, “It’s for
joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all
the values that she and her husband hold dear.”

“You are a genius!” exclaimed the angel. The Lord looked puzzled and
replied, “I didn’t put it there.”

 

 

This Thanksgivng, Pause and Remember

  By Silentranksisterhood | November 7, 2011 - 7:44 am | Deployment, The Real Deal
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Thanksgiving is, according to my daughter, one of our family’s favorite holidays, second only to Christmas.  My daughter loves my turkey (flavored with lavender and sea salt), so much, that she begs me to make it for  other special occasions, such as my birthday. According to my daughter, if I prepare and cook the turkey the day before my birthday, then it’s not really work! My husband and daughter dissect and discuss the dishes I make for Thanksgiving throughout the year, so that by the time November rolls around, their longings for my pecan pie, sweet potato casserole, and garlic mashed potatoes practically become visible.

Planning and preparing for Thanksgiving is a massive undertaking, and I spend weeks perusing recipes and plotting menus.  Cooking the meal is a labor of love, one that I learned well from my Oma.  Growing up, I could hardly wait to arrive at Oma and Opa’s house, where our family would gather for dinner.  Walking in the door, we would be embraced by  warm whiffs of Oma’s magic, that streamed from the kitchen in scented swirls of steam.  She taught me that cooking has more to do with a person’s moods, tastes, and emotions than precise methods and measurements.   She showed me that cooking is a sensual, hands-on experience, a reflection of love.  Since I’ve lived on my own, both before and after marriage, there hasn’t been a holiday that has passed that I don’t call her for last-minute suggestions, ideas, and tips.  She is the one person I can call to debate the merits of sea salt vs fleur de sel, Hungarian paprika vs Spanish paprika. If I am very lucky, and if I ask in just the right manner, I may hang up in triumph, having secured one her recipes.

Oma never followed a recipe while cooking; for her, cooking is intuitive.  She knows her dishes, but her methods of measurement equates to dashes, sprinkles, dabs, and mere hints.  And, while I know I have her talent for cooking, I also know I am not anywhere near as skilled as she is.  But, my Oma is not the only cook in the family.  For as a great a cook as she is, she is not the family baker.  That title, talent, and strength belongs to my mother, a creative cook who whipped up meals for her girls with little effort, and sometimes, with next to nothing. She makes the best stuffed green peppers, chicken cacciatore, and chicken soup I’ve ever tasted!   As memorable as some of her dishes are, my favorite recollections revolve around her confections, Apple-upside down Spice cake, homemade doughnuts, and her cheesecake, that is so excellent I snub all others and jealously guard the recipe.  Her Christmas cookies were beautiful as well as delicious, and my sisters and I relished stealing one or two whenever we could get away with it!

After my parents divorced, my mother handed the job of cooking over to me.  I learned to clean a chicken with my eyes closed, the garbage can tucked close to the counter, and zip lock bags taped to my arms.  The very first time I attempted to bake cookies, I covered myself, the kitchen, and a guest in flour, because I didn’t know you had to turn the mixer off before adding the flour.  I also remember proudly baking, decorating, and serving the family a beautiful birthday cake that I had made for my sister; they nearly broke their teeth on the icing, because the recipe was an inedible, decorators icing, used to ice cakes for window displays. I have not outgrown my dislike for cleaning fowl;  my husband, a fabulous and inventive cook, knows that if we are to have turkey for Thanksgiving, his task is to clean it, which he does willingly and without fail.  I am happy to report that I have become quite talented and adept at baking and cooking, and now I create chocolate truffles, candies, cookies, and dishes of all kinds.  And, Oma and mother are not the only women I have to thank for those skills.

When my father remarried, another excellent cook joined our family.  My step-mother, whom I much prefer to refer to as second-mother, brought with her her own methods and recipes, which she willingly shared.  I learned from my second-mother, that with laughter and good conversation, prep work is a fun task and not a tedious chore.  She showed me how to divide and conquer cooking, so that more than one cook can work together in the kitchen at one time.  She gave me the secret for stirring a gravy smooth, and she also shared tips and tricks, like lathering a slice of bread with butter, on which to roll corn on the cob.  She introduced to me to seafood, fish, and squash, which I would never have attempted on my own.  The lessons she passed to me were happily illustrated earlier this year, when the tables were turned, and I instructed her on how to prepare my guacamole, as I was finishing a cranberry-rhubarb chutney.

But as elaborate as our holidays meals and traditions are, these women taught me that the real beauty of the feast has nothing to do with the food on the table, and everything to do with who is gathered around it.  When my father was in the service, my mother often hosted young Marines and other military families, who had no one else to share the holidays.  My grandmother did the same, when she was a young military wife;  on a dare, she even invited the commanding officer over for dinner, which he happily accepted.  Later, Oma’s table would include strangers to the rest of us, but who were old friends of hers.  My second-mother would share her table with colleagues, family, and a neighbor or two.

When my husband joined the military and we became a military family, we  have proudly carried and practiced this tradition.  Our table has and always will be open to those military members, or others we meet, who have no close family and need a place to celebrate.  When I am cooking, I never know who my guests will be. We have a revolving cast of company, some of whom we’ve met upon greeting them at our door.  We have had young Airmen, military families, and pseudo-family we’ve created with each move.

When we PCSd last year, we moved to an area that put us within driving distance to our extended family, for the first time in six years. And, although it was difficult, we politely declined invitations to join them for Thanksgiving.  We refuse to give up the holiday traditions that we have created, because they are what keeps our family glued when we have to endure separations.  I relish and treasure the times when I can prepare and cook my husband’s favorite dishes, because there have been many holidays that have passed when I could not make my husband anything at all.  He has had to miss Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, birthdays, and anniversaries.  I do not know what next year will bring; this year, I am just very grateful that he is home with us.  And, we know that there are many who will be missed.

There is a lot of buzz and joy this Thanksgiving, as we celebrate the return of our troops from Iraq.  Some speculate that the troop drawdown in Iraq signifies the end of the war.  This war is far from over, and this holiday season, we still have troops who will be deployed in combat zones.  Not all service members will be home for Thanksgiving, and they will be dearly missed by their families and their loved ones. The holidays are very a very difficult time for deployed service members and families.  Every holiday gathering illuminates who and what is missing; and despite the joys of the holidays, the absence still hurts.  It  carves a wound that is deep and painful; deployment casts a grey color on even the brightest of holiday lights.

I know, because my daughter and I have experienced and felt it.  No matter how lovely the presents, how beautiful the carols, or how gorgeous the gifts, there is nothing that can fill the longing and the yearning for Daddy when he his deployed.  His empty place at our table is a daily reminder of all that we are missing, and this is amplified during the holidays.  Holiday blues, depression, and low morale intensify, increasing stress and anxiety in those who are deployed and those who wait for their return.  It is so hard, and it hurts.  Please, don’t forget about deployed service members and their families this holiday.

This year, as we did last year, we will be setting a Place of Remembrance at our table, to represent our deployed military members and their families.  I am asking you to join with my family as we remember those who are deployed and their families, by creating a Place of Remembrance of your own.   All you have to do is set an Empty Chair and an Empty Place Setting at your table; the setting can be as elaborate or as simple as you desire.  When your guests have gathered around your table, explain what the Place of Remembrance symbolizes.

If you like, you can take a picture of your Place of Remembrance and email it to: silentranksisterhood@live.com    The photos will placed in an online gallery, here on this site, on the facebook pages Military Wives Matter: Support for Today’s Military Spouse and Silent Rank Sisterhood and on You-tube.  The links can be shared with military members and their loved ones, especially our deployed troops and their families.  It is my hope that we will be able to send a beautiful visual message of Support, from participants all over the country.

Whatever you are planning this Thanksgiving, and however you are celebrating it, may your table and home be filled with abundance and love and laughter.  I am looking forward to my annual, last-minute consult with Oma.  This year, I am hoping to hang up with her recipe for hot German potato salad, which I have yet to acquire.  My mother’s coffee cake will greet us in the morning for breakfast, while gingersnaps will grace our table for dessert.  I am playing on my sweet potato casserole, with the addition of squash, courtesy of my second-mother.  And, as always, my hubby WILL be cleaning the turkey, as I cook up Thanksgiving dinner, bound to be enjoyed by whoever gathers with us.  The focus of the meal will not be the food, but rather, it will be on those who are gathered around our table, with a special Place of Remembrance to symbolize those who are missed.

 

May God Bless  our Troops and their Families, as well as Bless You and Yours

 

 

PS: If you would like to visit the facebook event, The 2011 Place of Remembrance,, sponsored by Military Wives Matter: Support for Today’s Military Spouse,  just click the link below.  Feel free to pass along and share with others!

 

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=242883775769636#!/event.php?eid=242883775769636