Category Archives: Deployment

Phase Two

Of Iron and Irony

  By Silentranksisterhood | March 25, 2012 - 2:34 am | Deployment, The Real Deal
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If you have been following this blog, you will no doubt have noticed that I have been missing for the past month.  I am happy to share with you why! After two years of hard work and personal sacrifice, I have finally been able to take the steps to move Silent Rank Sisterhood from an informal grass-roots organization to a fully incorporated, state-registered non-profit! This was a necessary and critical step, because in order to sustain the organization and develop the initiatives and the projects, it now needs greater resources and funding than what my family can provide. So if you are looking for a charity to support that has a direct impact on our military community, I hope you will consider supporting Silent Rank Sisterhood.

As you ponder that thought,  I feel that it is time that I share with you the story of how Silent Rank Sisterhood came to be.  I have never shared this before, but I think the time is right. The reason I have not spoken of it prior to today is because I tend to shy away from such personal stories.  The issues and the challenges with which I grapple are emotionally charged, painful, and raw.  But, that is the reality of being a military spouse, and my experiences shape everything that Silent Rank Sisterhood offers and is. It will help explain why I am so passionate about the work I do, and why I am driven to make this succeed, not for my benefit or gain, but for the benefit of service members, military spouses, and their loved ones, who are in similar circumstances.

My husband deployed for his first tour in 2007, and  my first experience with deployment was tramautizing, for my daughter and myself. During our first deployment, my heart broke  as I watched the impact deployment had on my daughter.  Nothing is worse than watching your child suffer, knowing you are helpless to change the circumstance. She suffered from anxiety, depression, night terrors, and even hair loss. What I learned is that these are common reactions that  a lot of  military children experience when a parent deploys.  Working with a team of professionals, we developed a coping strategy, which included providing distractions, short-term milestones and rewards, and setting future goals to celebrate.  I was told to de-emphasize deployment and to divert her focus and attention elsewhere.  I learned  that children  are often able to process situations and feel emotions at a higher stage of development than they can adequately express.  The gap in the development of  communication skills can cause frustrations, which can lead to changes in behavior and mood.  Fortunately, these changes are temporary and cyclical, phasing out as a child adjusts to the new normal.

As I was tending to my daughter, I was unaware that I myself was at risk.  One night, in the middle of my husband’s first tour, I found myself sitting in the emergency room.  I thought I had walking pneumonia; I learned that I  did not have pneumonia at all.  The doctors told me that I was under so much stress, my muscles had become like a too tightly wound spring.  When the tension was finally released, I had a muscle spasm in my upper chest wall.  That was what accounted for the painful breathing and the sensation of bricks sitting on my chest. The fear of becoming more ill, with no close family to help or to tend to my child,  was enough to motivate me to focus on my well-being, as well that of my daughter. I recovered, and we got through the rest of our first deployment, but not without  emotional scars.

Silent Rank Sisterhood story begins in 2009, with my husband’s second deployment.  For the second time, right at the onset of deployment, I found myself facing an incredibly difficult and different set of circumstances caused directly by deployment.  I found myself alone, once again managing and coping with a set of challenges that had the potential to break me.  Knowing what I had to manage, knowing I had a child who needed me, knowing I had no help and no support,  I knew then and there that I had to make a choice. For the duration of the deployment, either I could be defined by my circumstances or I could define the situation. I chose the latter, and I made a decision to use my negative experiences to help other struggling military families.  By partnering with a local church, I held my very first event, a Sweethearts Apart Valentine’s Dinner, to benefit deployed families.   That was the first of several activities and venues, to benefit the local military population.  Those seeds of kindness, compassion, community support, and partnership blossomed into Silent Rank Sisterhood.

While partnering with the church to create local events, I also began my broader outreach.  I started with one small facebook page, which immediately connected me to other military spouses.  I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and I was proven correct. I have been contacted by members of the military community from every corner of our country, including Alaska, as well as from abroad, including Germany and Japan. My communications have shown me that there are certain themes common to military families, yet service members and  military families  believe that these experiences are isolated occurrences, unique to personal circumstances.

The Common Themes that are the most important are as follows:

  • Military Spouses/Extended Family/Significant Others often feel alone, isolated, overwhelmed and abandoned during a loved ones deployment
  • Military families do not have access to the resources and support they need
  •  Assumptions exist that the network of support is already established and that numerous resources and programs can be easily accessed
  • The Deployment Cycle requires support, before, during, and after each stage
  • Depression, anxiety, and insomnia are frequent, normal reactions to deployment
  • Children often experience changes in mood and behaviors, as a reaction to deployment.  Such changes tend to be cyclical, but for changes lasting more than three weeks,  professional medical assistance should be sought.
  •  Neither the Reintegration Phase nor PTSD is well understood by service members or their families
  • PTSD, left untreated, wreaks havoc in relationships
  • Challenges due to PCS include a lack of community, a lack of belonging, career displacement, and lost employment and educational opportunities
  • There is a disconnect between the military community and the public
  • Those who want to support the military have difficulty connecting with the local military population and vice versa

The fact that these are common themes illustrates the need and the importance of Silent Rank Sisterhood. In 2010, when we PCSd to our new home, shortly after my husband’s safe return from his second tour, I carried the work and the initiatives with me. I decided that if I can make a difference and help improve the circumstances of one even one suffering military family, then my efforts and the endeavors of Silent Rank Sisterhood are not in vain.  The very fact that the number of military families who attend the events that Silent Rank Sisterhood offers increases with each venue is proof that this support is both needed and necessary.   And, that is why I am so proud to finally have been able to take the leap to incorporate! It has been a long, personal journey, and I am very proud of what Silent Rank Sisterhood has become.

Today, Silent Rank Sisterhood now has two military support facebook pages, each for a defined purpose, this website, and social media. It has multiple community outreach programs, engages in advocacy and awareness, provides business opportunities for military members, military spouses, and supports small businesses who are military-friendly.  It supports and engages with the community, partnering with organizations, and providing volunteer opportunities, while mentoring youth.  And, we continue our  service projects, which are also growing! When I think about the journey, it is amazing that all of this has happened in a two-year period!

As I write this, I am staring down the barrel of a third deployment.  I know that this deployment will bring its own set of challenges and difficulties. But, just as iron must be smelted before it can become steel, I expect that, although I may be burned, something lasting and useful will come from the process. I don’t always know where this journey will lead or what will grow from the ashes of my life, but I am convinced it will be positive and fruitful, even if it is not without pain.

I hope you visit again! And, even if you choose not to support Silent Rank Sisterhood, I ask that you do support our military members and their families.  It is always okay to disagree with policies, politics, and war, but the soldier who chooses to serve his country and the loved ones who wait for him or her should always have our nation’s support.

Thank you! And, May Gob Bless and Keep our Country, Our Military, and their Families

~ Ms. Kirsten O’Neill

Founder and CEO of Silent Rank Sisterhood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help Soldiers Angels

  By Silentranksisterhood | March 22, 2012 - 1:09 am | Advocacy, Deployment
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I have been a long time fan and supporter of Soldiers’ Angels, so I am happy to have an opportunity to assist them during their time of need.  I will have the  pleasure of working with them as they host a First Response Backpack drive for my town’s Memorial Day tribute.   Please consider helping them, too! Host a Back-Drive of your own, or have a care package collection.  Soldiers’ Angels provides so much for so many, from adopting out our deployed service members who are in need of support, to providing  other support services, like the First Response Backpacks. They give so generously and do so much;  it is now our turn to help them.  My family, my community,  and Silent Rank Sisterhood are all proud to be of assistance! Would you find a way to help them, too? Thank you for your consideration and support!

 

 

Smells Like Teen Spirit to Me!

  By Silentranksisterhood | February 1, 2012 - 8:41 pm | Deployment
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Well, here we are, one month has slipped away, and we are well into the New Year! Is 2012 all that you had hoped? From where I stand, the landscape is looking rocky, and even though I am trying to not stare at the obvious, I have a huge mountain to climb and a long, hard journey ahead. As a military wife, I have learned to live in the moment, to be present, and to deal with challenges as they arise. My days are fleeting and fleeing, and as this past month has shown, time moves too quickly. Unfortunately, I cannot stand still or press pause; it is hard to accept what lies around the bend, when life for my family is so ordinary, so normal, and so routine. My hubby continues to go to work, my daughter still has school and activities, and I still have my committees, commitments, and community outreach and support. I have realized that sometimes I am so busy doing that I don’t pause long enough to share what is that I actually do or have done. I am sure that you can relate. So, before I get bogged down again, with life and responsibilities, I thought I would take a moment and reflect on this past year and give you an update.

Last year, Silent Rank Sisterhood started a Compassion Project, called Project Hugs from Heroes. This was a service project that was created to meet a very specific need of a deployed unit. It began last January, in support of my husband’s unit, when he returned from his second tour. While he was deployed, there was a need for stuffed animals. These stuffed animals were distributed to Wounded Warriors and local Iraqi children. We began with our first shipment of eighty stuffed animals donated by my daughter and her friends. We quickly realized that to provide continued support, we would need help! Thus, Project Hugs from Heroes was created. With the help and sponsorship of an established 501 c(3), the Circle of Angels, we sent out a Call for Hugs to the community. The local American legion, the local community center, and the library all agreed to be drop-off locations. Within forty-eight hours of the Call for Hugs being sent, various businesses, churches, community groups, caring individual, and anonymous donors donated over 250 stuffed animals! Four huge boxes later, they were off to Iraq!

When we ship the boxes of stuffed animals, we also include morale items for the soldiers and service members, including notes, letters, cards, and goodies. We also include small games, school supplies, art supplies, and small medical supplies, to benefit the children and orphans. We have learned that the children our service members are working with are usually orphans, who have nothing, and live in extreme poverty and deprivation. It should be noted that the poverty and poor circumstances in which these children are struggling to survive are not due to deployment or acts of war; it is the natural state of their environment, created from long years of internal strife and tribal violence. Our troops work with the local children and their parents to improve their livelihood, life expectancy, and circumstances. Their humanitarian work is often unsung, and never the focus of media. However, our deployed troops are making a huge positive impact in and around the areas they are deployed. Long after our troops withdraw, these acts of American kindness and compassion will be remembered. It is my hope that a future generation of children will remember the kindness of our troops and that they will grow up with a different view then what the Taliban or AlQueda presents.

Since that first Call for Hugs, the American Legion has continued to provide ongoing support, by agreeing to be a permanent drop-off site for Project Hugs from Heroes. I am happy to report that my husband’s former unit no longer needs this support, and we were contacted by others who do! We ended 2012 with having collected over 1,000 stuffed animals! These stuffed animals were sent out in three huge shipments, to two units who contacted my spouse directly and asked for us to help them! In addition, Project Hugs from Heroes has sent these stuffed animals in smaller care packages to Wounded Warriors, military children of deployed parents and Wounded Warriors, to military spouses struggling with deployment, and to military children who attend our sponsored and co-sponsored events.

Which leads me to my next update, the one that I most proud and happy to provide! I am going to brag a bit about a very special group of high schoolers that I have had the privilege and the honor to work with this past school year! Little did I know that my first Call for Hugs was going to lead to a wonderful partnership and provide a solution to a need that Silent Rank Sisterhood had! In response to my Call for Hugs, I was contacted last June by Lauren, the Vice President of her high school chapter of FBLA. She asked me if I would be willing to help with their service project for the 2011-2012 school year! She had spent six months trying to find contacts to local military families; their service project was going to be centered around providing local military families and wounded warriors direct support! When Lauren and FBLA contacted me, I was searching for another community organization, to partner with me to provide free events and activities for our military families.  I had done this before with a local church, during my husband’s second deployment, but having recently PCSd to the area, I lacked  friends and connections in the community.  Of course, that situation has changed, but when you are new, as all military families and military wives do, you start from scratch.  So call it what you will, Fate, Divine intervention, or a God wink,  but FBLA’s request was the answer  and solution I needed!

I have been able to work as a military liaison, mentor, project coordinator, and project advisor for the FBLA students.  I am so inspired and amazed at their enthusiasm, commitment, determination, patriotism, and pride!  These high schools students, over eighty of them, have worked hard all year, planning various free events and activities for our service members and their families!  They have been able to volunteer at a Deployed Spouses Meal; they have visited veterans in veterans homes.  They have helped babysit the children of Wounded Warriors, so that their parents could catch a break and enjoy a night on the town.  One father told us, with tears in his eyes, that it was the first time in over three years that he and his wife had any time alone, other than when they were preparing for his surgeries.  He stood there thanking us; I stood there crying, thanking Him!! That is the impact of service, support, and sponsorship these students are working with Silent Rank Sisterhood to provide!!

I wish you had been there with me for our Thanksgiving and Christmas events!  FBLA sponsored a full Thanksgiving Dinner for our Deployed Families.  We had a family drive all the way from Virginia, just to be with us!  In support of the 2012 Thanksgiving Place of Remembrance event, sponsored annually on the fb page: Military Wives Matter: Support for Today’s Military Spouse, the students set a Place of Remembrance, honoring our deployed.  Project Hugs from Heroes was there and distributed stuffed animals to the children.  We read a very special story, The Wishing Tree, by Mary Redman.  One mother shared with me about her own Wishing Tree, which my family will soon have displayed in our home.

The Christmas Party that the FBLA students planned and put together was in one word: AMAZING!!!  We had over twenty families attend a catered dinner!  There was Secret Santa for the children to “shop” for presents for their parents.  We had games, crafts, activities, and the best part, a surprise visit from Santa!  These clever and creative (not to mention secretive, because this time, they wanted to surprise me;) arranged to have Santa arrive in style- on a firetruck!!  I made quite the scene, as I ran through the rooms, herding all of the families outside, on the deck, on the double, without quite knowing why! Of the families in attendance, we had one whose service member was on R&R.  Another had just celebrated Homecoming, and yet another was getting to deploy.  They were military families from all branches, all over our area!  I can’t tell you how many times I was pulled aside, and I was told by the families, how meaningful and how appreciative they were to be there.

And, although 2011 ended, FBLA still has quite a few special events planned!  They just finished their benefit auction, the proceeds of which will be used to fund these events and provide sponsorships. We are working on our next event, which will be a free Valentine’s Dinner, on February 10th, which will once again be free and open to all area Active-duty military, Reserve, and Guard families.  We are planning a Military Child’s Birthday Bash, in recognition of the sacrifices made by our military kids and also to kick off the Month of the Military Child.  And, we are planning a very special Girls Night Out, in honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day.  We will end our journey with a School’s Out Summer Bash!  I am going to be sad, but also quite proud, when I have to say good-bye and send my Seniors off to college!  But, I am confident that these Future Business Leaders of America not only have great futures in front of them, but that they are going to make a lasting and positive impression, no matter where they go or what they do!  And even though our partnership will have formally ended, the friendships formed will not. Silent Rank Sisterhood will be proud to help and be of assistance in all and any of their endeavors!

The work that the FBLA students has  done is not for naught.  Moving forward, Silent Rank Sisterhood will continue to provide the support, activities, events, and community programs, advocacy, and outreach.  I am currently exploring ideas and project development with another group of dedicated military wives, who focus on addressing and meeting the challenges of career displacement and entrepreneur development and business opportunities for military spouses.  If you want another example of military wives seeing a need and meeting it, check out what JBABACS is doing! The story of Silent Rank Sisterhood is a continuation of what was started two years ago, and it will continue, even after the 2011-2012 school year comes to an end. I have no idea where this journey will lead, and I am not sure who will be partner or provide sponsorship after June. I am not worried, because I have faith that solutions will present themselves. Because, here is the true legacy that these FBLA students leave, and it is not monetary or material at all.  What these students have done is to provide a model of community support; they have set the bar,  set the example, and they are leading the way! These FBLA high school students have shown what can be done, when someone cares enough to do it!

The fact remains that our military families need support!  Military families do not all live on base, nor do we have access to the resources, programs, and support we need.   That is a false assumption and a myth. If we did, Silent Rank Sisterhood would not need to be in existence.  I know, because I am a military wife, and Silent Rank Sisterhood was created to support the Silent Ranks and All Who Serve! Even with the troops return from Iraq, we still have soldiers and service members who deploy and are living in combat zones!  This must not be forgotten!  I am afraid that with the hype of the up-coming election, the celebrations of our troops return from Iraq, our nation lose focus and forget about those serving in war zones elsewhere and the families waiting for them back home.

Our military families are being stretched; we are facing multiple deployments, and we are carrying and struggling and juggling too many burdens and challenges to list here.  The type of support we need is not found large or grandiose acts; it is found in small, meaningful acts of support and appreciation.  Just like the events, activities, and support that the FBLA students chose to provide.  It is found in the military family support group, started this past month by Silent Rank Sisterhood, which provides a break from the stress of deployment and gives military families a place to connect and create friendships and form a sense of community.  It is in providing a Wounded Warrior or deployed spouses babysitting services.  It is giving a military child a small measure of comfort, in the form of a stuffed animal. It is sending stuffed animals and other items to deployed units who need them.

If nothing else, I encourage you to be inspired!  I know that I am!  I am so amazed, humbled, proud, and in awe of what my FBLA students have accomplished in these past few months!  They have made such a positive impact on our local military families! I ask you to please be aware of our military families who live in your communities! If these teens, if my new community, can rally around and support our military members and their families, by answering a Call for Hugs, and by providing partnerships to benefit and support our Service Members and Military Families-anyone, anywhere can do the same!

Thank you for Supporting Our Troops and their Families!

To our Men and Women of the Armed Forces and their Families:

Thank you for your service and your sacrifices!

 

 

If you are a military member or a military spouse in need of encouragement or assistance or support, please send an email to silentranksisterhood@live.com   Thank you for your service and sacrifice to our country!  Feel free to visit the Resource section, which has a compiled list of resources,programs, articles, information, and organzations offering support.

PS: If you are wondering why events are not publicized on the website until after the fact: one word: OpSec!  You can find Service Announcements posted on the fb page: Silent Rank Sisterhood   If you are sponsoring an event that benefits your local military members or military families, feel free to share your events!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her Point of View: What I Need During Deployment

  By Silentranksisterhood | December 22, 2011 - 7:14 am | As Told: Tales to Encourage, Deployment
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Since my husband shared his heart and was gracious to share it with you, via the last post, I have been giving it great thought.  His answer to my question, “What does he need, as the deployed service member?,” both surprised and moved me.  I was expecting a list of items, categories of goods that might help the time pass a little easier and faster.  I was not expecting such selflessness; I was not expecting to be given any thought on the matter at all.   And, I respect, cherish,  and appreciate his honest answer.  I don’t know when or where my husband will next deploy; I do know that he will most likely be sent to Afghanistan.    What I do know is that he will deploy at some point and time. So, I feel it is only fair and appropriate that I turn the tables, and answer the same question, “What do I need during deployment?”

First and foremost, I need support, from our family, our friends, and acquaintances.  I need them to rally around my husband and his unit, and I need for them to be supported.  I need to know that care packages, cards, emails, and notes from home are being sent to him.   I only know a little of the challenges he faces, and I can only guess at what he sees and endures.  Sleep Deprivation.  Blood and bones and shattered bodies.  An endless cycle of gore, a river of red, with no place to catch a break. Sometimes, Mercy keeps company, and there is hope and healing, but sometimes,  Death keeps company, and then, it is doubt, and heartbreak, and sorrow.  I know this, but I cannot mentally wrap my head or my heart around these facts.  I am amazed at what my husband’s unit endures, and at how well they manage, and how many lives they save.  But, nevertheless, it cuts likes a knife, knowing that I cannot be there for him, that I cannot shelter him, or comfort him, or provide any means of direct contact or support.  That the only method I have to reach out to him is through an email or a package.  For every ten to emails I send, I get one or two in response.  Some weeks, if I am lucky, I will get a short, daily call.  Other weeks, days will pass before the phone rings.   So, I need to know that he is being encouraged and uplifted, even if he can’t respond or if I am asked to be his voice.  I need to know that I am not the only who feels his absence.   I need to know that others are just as proud, just as supportive, and just in awe of his service and sacrifice as I am.  Because, I am so very proud of him, and I will stand by his side, come what may.  But, I need to know that others will stand beside me, in support of his service, because I need to know that I am not the only who cares that he is gone.  I need this like I need air, because otherwise the pain of his being in a combat zone, far from the comforts of home, is suffocating.

I also need to know that my daughter will be loved, looked after, and doted on while her Daddy is away.  I need for compassion, consideration, and kindness to be extended to my child.  I never know how she is going to react to her deployment.  The first deployment we ever experienced was tramautizing for her; the second was just as difficult, even though it came with a different set of challenges.  As a mother, it is heartbreaking to watch your child stop eating, withdraw, or shut down,  knowing the root cause and also knowing that you can do nothing to change it.  All I can do is deflect and distract, so I need distractions, whether it is in the form of  little care packages, cards, or notes just for her.  And, when I provide her with what she needs, I do not need to be judged or criticized, because I am doing all that I can to make the very best of a bad situation.  Believe me, we do not like it when Daddy has to be away from us for so long.   I need to know that the sacrifices my daughter makes as a child is acknowledged and appreciated, because she is forced to endure the frequent separations, moving, and adjusting, our lifestyle as a military family demands. I need for her to be supported, because otherwise the sorrow and the pain of not being to able to change her circumstances becomes unbearable.

I need support, too, but not material support.  Sometimes, I simply need a break.  I need someone else to step in, even if only for a few hours, and care for my daughter, because it’s just me, and no one else.  Sometimes, I might need minor help around the house, but I won’t ask you for it.  I can pretty handle every issue, small and large, myself.  But, when you consider that I am used to sharing the household chores and parenting, and that I now have to fill two roles, the weight of carrying all of it almost crushes me.  In fact, it nearly did, during my husband’s first deployment.   I became very sick, and what I thought was pneumonia, was in fact a spasm in my chest wall, brought on because my muscles were too tightly wound from stress.  I was forced to take better care of myself, so that I could care for my child. I now understand my limits, and so if I have to say no, please respect my answer.

And, what I need, more than anything, is grace and mercy and forgiveness. Because, I am going to be moody, and emotional, and sometimes, even short-tempered.  I need someone who is going to look past my weaknesses and be there to support me, in spite of my less than stellar self.  I need friends with whom I can cry and laugh, friends who see my pain and who can help me smile.  I also need to not be asked a dozen questions; sometimes, I will be open and share, and other times, I will be silent and closed. I can’t handle extra demands or queries; I will share what I can, as I can. So, I need for you to be comfortable with silence; it is not a form of rejection, it is one of my coping and survival mechanisms. And, when my flaws are flowing to the surface, please realize that the majority of my shortcomings are because of the stress, anxiety, and insomnia caused by deployment.

No, I do not sleep when my husband is deployed.  I have insomnia, and it becomes aggravated even more so during deployment. So, when I sleep during the day, please do not criticize me.  I am not being lazy or unproductive, and I more than make up at night for what I don’t do during the morning hours.  The fact is that I stay awake all hours of the night, worrying about my husband, praying for his safety, listening to the house. I can’t sleep, because I am afraid, because I am alone.  I can’t sleep, because I need to know that my baby will be kept safe during the night. So, I keep watch, over her, and the house, until I fall to sleep, exhausted.

The last form of support that I need during deployment is prayer, and a ton of it.  I need prayer for me, for my husband, and for my child.  I know that there are many people who manage deployment without prayer or faith. But, for me, that is the glue that binds us.  I cannot cope with deployment or manage a day without continually being renewed, spiritually.  My daily prayer while my husband is deployed is simply that I have strength for the day, just the day, nothing more.  Because, I do not have the strength to walk this journey on my own; it’s too hard, too long, and too much for just me to manage. So, if you can do nothing else, I just ask that you pray.  Pray for all who are deployed; pray for those in the field, under fire.  Pray for those in the hospital, who work to save and heal. Pray for the Wounded Warriors and their families, back home.  Pray for the families of our Fallen Heroes, that they be comforted.   Pray for our military families, that they are not crushed by their burdens.  Pray for our service members, that they be shielded, and guarded, and encouraged, and comforted.  Pray that they find strength and meaning and courage and hope and purpose.  Please. That’s really what I need the most during deployment.  Just knowing that others are praying for my husband’s and daughter’s spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental well-being is enough. It’s my Grace for the moment, and it’s what I need when my husband deploys.

 

 

 

 

His Point of View: What I Need During Deployment

  By Silentranksisterhood | December 20, 2011 - 4:36 am | As Told: Tales to Encourage, Deployment, The Real Deal
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This post is a very special one.  It was written for me, by own beloved husband.  I am often asked by friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, and facebook fans, “What should I send in a care package?”  And, in answer, I have shared and posted my ideas, based on what I or others have sent.  But, I asked my husband, more than once, for his point of view.  I wanted to know, from his perspective, as the one who is deployed, what items are helpful.

When he gave me his initial response, I admit that I was crushed and heartbroken.  I spend many hours carefully choosing and creating his care packages.  It is my source of joy and happiness while he is deployed.  Sending him items, goodies, games, and whatever else I think he needs, enjoys, or  finds helpful is a way that allows me to feel connected to him.  It is a concrete way that I can send him my support and my love.

But, before you read his post- I want to go back and re-read the first two paragraphs.  Do you notice a pattern?  I do, and it is in the form of I, and Me, and My, and Mine.  So, because I understand that guys and gals are hardwired differently, I understand that what nurtures my emotions, feelings, and needs is not going to be the same or any where similar to what feeds his emotions, feelings, and needs.  And, as I read his post, I learned that his feelings are not about me at all.  He is neither rejecting MY form of support, nor  is he  saying that he doesn’t appreciate it. What he is expressing are his stark feelings and his honest point of view. For that alone, for his willingness to open up and share his thoughts and feelings with me, and with you, I am grateful.

And, I will share with you that I am so blessed and so thankful that he is mine.  I am so proud of my husband, and his service to our country! So, without further ado, a Service Member, my husband, answers the question:

 

What Do I Need During Deployment?

It’s not easy to put into words what a military deployment overseas is like for the military member. Usually, it is a long visit into a combat zone. For me, it has been. Twice. And, my third one will surely be into another combat zone. This time, Afghanistan will replace Iraq on my visitation list of places where I will go and want to depart from as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, the earliest that I can depart is six months. I try to put this into perspective. I look at my Army counterparts and realize that I could be in this place for a year or more. I realize that even though I need to worry about being mortared and the occasional insurgent missile being fired at the base, I can take comfort that my job keeps me on base. I am not at risk of being in the middle of a sudden firefight or at the mercy of planted road IED’s while my convoy rolls past. It could always be worse, and I thank the Lord for the graces that He imparts to me.

All the same, while I am deployed I miss my family. I miss my wife and my daughter. I miss being home. I miss almost everything familiar about home. I find myself counting the days. When we arrive in the deployed location, someone (usually a colonel) will tell our group of newly arrived personnel, “Don’t count the days, make the days count.” In other words, you’re to do your duty, give it your maximum effort, and make things better for those around you. Easier said than done, sir/ma’am. I am in a place where I really don’t want to be. I will do my best to make the days count, but at very best I will make them count while I continue to count them. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

My wife asked me not long ago what she can send me to make things a little easier while I am there. What do I need during my deployment? She has asked me this before. She is generous and thoughtful that way and always looks for a way to make things easier for me. I love her for that and so much more. Because I know her good intentions, I have tried to give her some material answer that will give her something that she can work with, a type of candy that I enjoy, or a  band that I enjoy listening to if they release a new CD.

But when she asked me that last time, I felt a surge of honesty begin to rise from me that I couldn’t suppress. “Nothing,” I replied. “Nothing helps. Nothing that can be sent in a box that makes things better. It’s miserable over there. Anything that comes from home will not help me forget where I am and how much I don’t want to be there.” I am a member of the United States Armed Forces. I do my duty, I complete the mission, and I am proud to do it in the service of my country. But that doesn’t make it any easier. To be blunt, I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to like being deployed.

Since this conversation, I have reflected on this question and the paradox that it represents to me. Then I realized, there is something that I need during deployment. I need to know that my little family: my wife and daughter, are taken care of. I need to know that their needs will be met when I am not around to help meet them. I need to know that our extended family and friends will rally around them and help them feel better, that they will help to fill the void that I create when I leave. I know that it is hurtful to them when I go. I know that they have to deal with the pain of my absence, and carry the slack that I leave them with after I have deployed. I need to know that my girls are taken care of when I cannot do it myself. For that, what I need is for the family and friends that we depend on for support to be there for them, whenever and however they are needed. To reach out to them, ask them what they need, and let them know that they are there for them. However, whenever, and where-ever they are needed.

That will give me peace of mind. That will make things easier while I am over there. That is what I need during deployment.