If you have been following this blog, you will no doubt have noticed that I have been missing for the past month.  I am happy to share with you why! After two years of hard work and personal sacrifice, I have finally been able to take the steps to move Silent Rank Sisterhood from an informal grass-roots organization to a fully incorporated, state-registered non-profit! This was a necessary and critical step, because in order to sustain the organization and develop the initiatives and the projects, it now needs greater resources and funding than what my family can provide. So if you are looking for a charity to support that has a direct impact on our military community, I hope you will consider supporting Silent Rank Sisterhood.

As you ponder that thought,  I feel that it is time that I share with you the story of how Silent Rank Sisterhood came to be.  I have never shared this before, but I think the time is right. The reason I have not spoken of it prior to today is because I tend to shy away from such personal stories.  The issues and the challenges with which I grapple are emotionally charged, painful, and raw.  But, that is the reality of being a military spouse, and my experiences shape everything that Silent Rank Sisterhood offers and is. It will help explain why I am so passionate about the work I do, and why I am driven to make this succeed, not for my benefit or gain, but for the benefit of service members, military spouses, and their loved ones, who are in similar circumstances.

My husband deployed for his first tour in 2007, and  my first experience with deployment was tramautizing, for my daughter and myself. During our first deployment, my heart broke  as I watched the impact deployment had on my daughter.  Nothing is worse than watching your child suffer, knowing you are helpless to change the circumstance. She suffered from anxiety, depression, night terrors, and even hair loss. What I learned is that these are common reactions that  a lot of  military children experience when a parent deploys.  Working with a team of professionals, we developed a coping strategy, which included providing distractions, short-term milestones and rewards, and setting future goals to celebrate.  I was told to de-emphasize deployment and to divert her focus and attention elsewhere.  I learned  that children  are often able to process situations and feel emotions at a higher stage of development than they can adequately express.  The gap in the development of  communication skills can cause frustrations, which can lead to changes in behavior and mood.  Fortunately, these changes are temporary and cyclical, phasing out as a child adjusts to the new normal.

As I was tending to my daughter, I was unaware that I myself was at risk.  One night, in the middle of my husband’s first tour, I found myself sitting in the emergency room.  I thought I had walking pneumonia; I learned that I  did not have pneumonia at all.  The doctors told me that I was under so much stress, my muscles had become like a too tightly wound spring.  When the tension was finally released, I had a muscle spasm in my upper chest wall.  That was what accounted for the painful breathing and the sensation of bricks sitting on my chest. The fear of becoming more ill, with no close family to help or to tend to my child,  was enough to motivate me to focus on my well-being, as well that of my daughter. I recovered, and we got through the rest of our first deployment, but not without  emotional scars.

Silent Rank Sisterhood story begins in 2009, with my husband’s second deployment.  For the second time, right at the onset of deployment, I found myself facing an incredibly difficult and different set of circumstances caused directly by deployment.  I found myself alone, once again managing and coping with a set of challenges that had the potential to break me.  Knowing what I had to manage, knowing I had a child who needed me, knowing I had no help and no support,  I knew then and there that I had to make a choice. For the duration of the deployment, either I could be defined by my circumstances or I could define the situation. I chose the latter, and I made a decision to use my negative experiences to help other struggling military families.  By partnering with a local church, I held my very first event, a Sweethearts Apart Valentine’s Dinner, to benefit deployed families.   That was the first of several activities and venues, to benefit the local military population.  Those seeds of kindness, compassion, community support, and partnership blossomed into Silent Rank Sisterhood.

While partnering with the church to create local events, I also began my broader outreach.  I started with one small facebook page, which immediately connected me to other military spouses.  I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and I was proven correct. I have been contacted by members of the military community from every corner of our country, including Alaska, as well as from abroad, including Germany and Japan. My communications have shown me that there are certain themes common to military families, yet service members and  military families  believe that these experiences are isolated occurrences, unique to personal circumstances.

The Common Themes that are the most important are as follows:

• Military Spouses/Extended Family/Significant Others often feel alone, isolated, overwhelmed and abandoned during a loved ones deployment
• Military families do not have access to the resources and support they need
•  Assumptions exist that the network of support is already established and that numerous resources and programs can be easily accessed
• The Deployment Cycle requires support, before, during, and after each stage
• Depression, anxiety, and insomnia are frequent, normal reactions to deployment
• Children often experience changes in mood and behaviors, as a reaction to deployment.  Such changes tend to be cyclical, but for changes lasting more than three weeks,  professional medical assistance should be sought.
•  Neither the Reintegration Phase nor PTSD is well understood by service members or their families
• PTSD, left untreated, wreaks havoc in relationships
• Challenges due to PCS include a lack of community, a lack of belonging, career displacement, and lost employment and educational opportunities
• There is a disconnect between the military community and the public
• Those who want to support the military have difficulty connecting with the local military population and vice versa

The fact that these are common themes illustrates the need and the importance of Silent Rank Sisterhood. In 2010, when we PCSd to our new home, shortly after my husband’s safe return from his second tour, I carried the work and the initiatives with me. I decided that if I can make a difference and help improve the circumstances of one even one suffering military family, then my efforts and the endeavors of Silent Rank Sisterhood are not in vain.  The very fact that the number of military families who attend the events that Silent Rank Sisterhood offers increases with each venue is proof that this support is both needed and necessary.   And, that is why I am so proud to finally have been able to take the leap to incorporate! It has been a long, personal journey, and I am very proud of what Silent Rank Sisterhood has become.

Today, Silent Rank Sisterhood now has two military support facebook pages, each for a defined purpose, this website, and social media. It has multiple community outreach programs, engages in advocacy and awareness, provides business opportunities for military members, military spouses, and supports small businesses who are military-friendly.  It supports and engages with the community, partnering with organizations, and providing volunteer opportunities, while mentoring youth.  And, we continue our  service projects, which are also growing! When I think about the journey, it is amazing that all of this has happened in a two-year period!

As I write this, I am staring down the barrel of a third deployment.  I know that this deployment will bring its own set of challenges and difficulties. But, just as iron must be smelted before it can become steel, I expect that, although I may be burned, something lasting and useful will come from the process. I don’t always know where this journey will lead or what will grow from the ashes of my life, but I am convinced it will be positive and fruitful, even if it is not without pain.

I hope you visit again! And, even if you choose not to support Silent Rank Sisterhood, I ask that you do support our military members and their families.  It is always okay to disagree with policies, politics, and war, but the soldier who chooses to serve his country and the loved ones who wait for him or her should always have our nation’s support.

Thank you! And, May Gob Bless and Keep our Country, Our Military, and their Families

~ Ms. Kirsten O’Neill

Founder and CEO of Silent Rank Sisterhood