Since my husband shared his heart and was gracious to share it with you, via the last post, I have been giving it great thought. His answer to my question, “What does he need, as the deployed service member?,” both surprised and moved me. I was expecting a list of items, categories of goods that might help the time pass a little easier and faster. I was not expecting such selflessness; I was not expecting to be given any thought on the matter at all. And, I respect, cherish, and appreciate his honest answer. I don’t know when or where my husband will next deploy; I do know that he will most likely be sent to Afghanistan. What I do know is that he will deploy at some point and time. So, I feel it is only fair and appropriate that I turn the tables, and answer the same question, “What do I need during deployment?”
First and foremost, I need support, from our family, our friends, and acquaintances. I need them to rally around my husband and his unit, and I need for them to be supported. I need to know that care packages, cards, emails, and notes from home are being sent to him. I only know a little of the challenges he faces, and I can only guess at what he sees and endures. Sleep Deprivation. Blood and bones and shattered bodies. An endless cycle of gore, a river of red, with no place to catch a break. Sometimes, Mercy keeps company, and there is hope and healing, but sometimes, Death keeps company, and then, it is doubt, and heartbreak, and sorrow. I know this, but I cannot mentally wrap my head or my heart around these facts. I am amazed at what my husband’s unit endures, and at how well they manage, and how many lives they save. But, nevertheless, it cuts likes a knife, knowing that I cannot be there for him, that I cannot shelter him, or comfort him, or provide any means of direct contact or support. That the only method I have to reach out to him is through an email or a package. For every ten to emails I send, I get one or two in response. Some weeks, if I am lucky, I will get a short, daily call. Other weeks, days will pass before the phone rings. So, I need to know that he is being encouraged and uplifted, even if he can’t respond or if I am asked to be his voice. I need to know that I am not the only who feels his absence. I need to know that others are just as proud, just as supportive, and just in awe of his service and sacrifice as I am. Because, I am so very proud of him, and I will stand by his side, come what may. But, I need to know that others will stand beside me, in support of his service, because I need to know that I am not the only who cares that he is gone. I need this like I need air, because otherwise the pain of his being in a combat zone, far from the comforts of home, is suffocating.
I also need to know that my daughter will be loved, looked after, and doted on while her Daddy is away. I need for compassion, consideration, and kindness to be extended to my child. I never know how she is going to react to her deployment. The first deployment we ever experienced was tramautizing for her; the second was just as difficult, even though it came with a different set of challenges. As a mother, it is heartbreaking to watch your child stop eating, withdraw, or shut down, knowing the root cause and also knowing that you can do nothing to change it. All I can do is deflect and distract, so I need distractions, whether it is in the form of little care packages, cards, or notes just for her. And, when I provide her with what she needs, I do not need to be judged or criticized, because I am doing all that I can to make the very best of a bad situation. Believe me, we do not like it when Daddy has to be away from us for so long. I need to know that the sacrifices my daughter makes as a child is acknowledged and appreciated, because she is forced to endure the frequent separations, moving, and adjusting, our lifestyle as a military family demands. I need for her to be supported, because otherwise the sorrow and the pain of not being to able to change her circumstances becomes unbearable.
I need support, too, but not material support. Sometimes, I simply need a break. I need someone else to step in, even if only for a few hours, and care for my daughter, because it’s just me, and no one else. Sometimes, I might need minor help around the house, but I won’t ask you for it. I can pretty handle every issue, small and large, myself. But, when you consider that I am used to sharing the household chores and parenting, and that I now have to fill two roles, the weight of carrying all of it almost crushes me. In fact, it nearly did, during my husband’s first deployment. I became very sick, and what I thought was pneumonia, was in fact a spasm in my chest wall, brought on because my muscles were too tightly wound from stress. I was forced to take better care of myself, so that I could care for my child. I now understand my limits, and so if I have to say no, please respect my answer.
And, what I need, more than anything, is grace and mercy and forgiveness. Because, I am going to be moody, and emotional, and sometimes, even short-tempered. I need someone who is going to look past my weaknesses and be there to support me, in spite of my less than stellar self. I need friends with whom I can cry and laugh, friends who see my pain and who can help me smile. I also need to not be asked a dozen questions; sometimes, I will be open and share, and other times, I will be silent and closed. I can’t handle extra demands or queries; I will share what I can, as I can. So, I need for you to be comfortable with silence; it is not a form of rejection, it is one of my coping and survival mechanisms. And, when my flaws are flowing to the surface, please realize that the majority of my shortcomings are because of the stress, anxiety, and insomnia caused by deployment.
No, I do not sleep when my husband is deployed. I have insomnia, and it becomes aggravated even more so during deployment. So, when I sleep during the day, please do not criticize me. I am not being lazy or unproductive, and I more than make up at night for what I don’t do during the morning hours. The fact is that I stay awake all hours of the night, worrying about my husband, praying for his safety, listening to the house. I can’t sleep, because I am afraid, because I am alone. I can’t sleep, because I need to know that my baby will be kept safe during the night. So, I keep watch, over her, and the house, until I fall to sleep, exhausted.
The last form of support that I need during deployment is prayer, and a ton of it. I need prayer for me, for my husband, and for my child. I know that there are many people who manage deployment without prayer or faith. But, for me, that is the glue that binds us. I cannot cope with deployment or manage a day without continually being renewed, spiritually. My daily prayer while my husband is deployed is simply that I have strength for the day, just the day, nothing more. Because, I do not have the strength to walk this journey on my own; it’s too hard, too long, and too much for just me to manage. So, if you can do nothing else, I just ask that you pray. Pray for all who are deployed; pray for those in the field, under fire. Pray for those in the hospital, who work to save and heal. Pray for the Wounded Warriors and their families, back home. Pray for the families of our Fallen Heroes, that they be comforted. Pray for our military families, that they are not crushed by their burdens. Pray for our service members, that they be shielded, and guarded, and encouraged, and comforted. Pray that they find strength and meaning and courage and hope and purpose. Please. That’s really what I need the most during deployment. Just knowing that others are praying for my husband’s and daughter’s spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental well-being is enough. It’s my Grace for the moment, and it’s what I need when my husband deploys.
